Saturday, 25 July 2009


i have just been reading a post in november, and it brought tears to my eyes to be suddenly brought back those horrible feelings, and its made me realise how far away i am from that person who i was last year, this year had a very rough beginning but since 1st may when all our dreams were realised, i, well we have been totally different people, and for the first time in years we are actually persuing the life of the normal married couple, who are expecting their first baby, although i dont think that the previous alison will ever totally leave me, its nice to be this new alison...... total waffle i know......

anyway, diabetic clinic went well, only there 2 hours..... i am 17 weeks tomorrow! almost halfway, gosh its going quick

oooo and i think i felt a kick last week.... albeit a very small one and it hasnt happened since, but my stomach has popped out and goes all hard in the mornings.... although i am not feeling very pregnant, as all my symptoms have dissapeard, like the sickness and even the heartburn....? normal or not>?

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

baby 16 weeks

this is our beautiful baby, at 16 weeks, we had a lovely private scan and it was wonderful to see, and we found out that our baby is a she! i cant believe we are going to have a girl, she already fits right in!! i have also felt some movement
although nothing difinitive yet, diabetic clinic tomorrow, another few hours of no one lstening to me!!! oh well,

Monday, 20 July 2009

My IVF cycle

this is my story of our ivf cycle, i wrote it down for a friend and decieded i would put it here for anyone else.

my ivf experience,although it was a positive one at the end, for me was the one of the most painful and difficult experiences of my adult life! after we got approved for one funded go, around september 2008, we had to wait for an initial consultation with the clinic, we were refered to care, which is private but allocates a certian number of ivf patients per year, our 1st appointment was in december 2008 and we discussed many things including hopefully going to blastocyst stage to put the best one back so to speak, and we decieded that putting one embryo was the best plan of action, although i was a bit unsure if that was the best idea, i did come round to it as i wanted to be the healthiest i could be through out any potential pregnancy, we also decieded that we would start treatment in my second cycle from then, so about early feb or so. after that appointment we just waited for my second period to arrive which was 2 weeks late - just typical, and then we started down regging injections on the 28th february. the injections werent to bad as i am used to injecting insulin, then i went for the scans to see if i was down regging, which i was just perfectly i was told, then soon enough it was time to start stimulation injections which hurt like buggery but i didnt mind in the slightest, then came time to see if i was producing lots of big follicles, which i wasnt- only one or two started to grow, so i was sent hme to carry on for a few more days, then back, then at that scan i found out they were meant to ring me and up my dose, but no one had called~! follies still not growing great and was sent home on the new upped dose, went back for scan and there were 3-4 one growing and told to come back, went back and guess what - someone was meant to ring me to up my dose!! this happened another time and time was pressing on, i was already about 10 days behind normal timelines and was fretting that my eggs would disentergrte or my lining wouldnt carry on being nice and thick, ayway it was decieded that only 7-8 folies were ready and the other smaller ones werent going to grow past this point, so was booked in for egg collection on monday 13th april 2009, easter monday! We arrived at 8am, i was panicing and absolutely petrified, wether it was about the procedure or the number of eggs i dont know, when it was my turn in the theatre the anestetiologist (sp) couldnt get a vein for the sedation but after prodding about and bruising me he did, i was awake for it all and dint feel woozy at all - this all added to my panic and anxiety, the procedure itself was so painful and uncomfortable and i cried throughout,i still cant quite believe how painful it was after being told by eveyone it was painless or just uncomfortable, it was also awfully undignifying, although no aspect of ivf has dignity, i expected to be told at all points what was happening to me, not to be ignored on the table with all and sundry having a look and prod at my lady bits! as i was tyaked back to recovery i was told they only got 5 eggs, i was absolutely devastated, and heartbroken. Adam (hubby) must have had a right old shock when he saw me, and the first thing i remember saying to him was that i wasnt ever doing it agin - i still stand by that today, anyway got home and tried to recover, i couldnt wee for hours at home as it hurt so much and felt like my insides were about to fall out, and i was so low about only getting 5, that was no where near average (12) i felt i had failed, just like i had 'failed' at any attempt to get pregnant over the last 4 years. waiting to see how many eggs fertilised the next day was awful, i was still in a considerable amount of pain anyway, they called and said that 3 had fertilised and i was overjoyed! i had been panicing about none being mature etc etc, so three was lovely, and then she said we would have one put back the next day and if the other 2 were great they would be frozen (what i wanted deperatly was to have some frozen as we couldnt afford any fresh cycles) still in pain and spent the day on the sofa. wednesday the 15th april 2009 we had a call in the morning advising us that egg transfer was at 4pm, and to tell us that of our three embryos only one was grade 2 (1 being the best -4 being worst) and one was grade 3 but abnormal and one was grade 4, both not suitable for freezing. i was kind of elated that one was going back and our pain and effort was not in vain but sad that none were going tobe frozen, that was my plan b and now there was no back up. i was very scared about transfer as i was very tender down below still but it went fairly well , it took the nurse about 30 minutes to get past my cervix as it was at a funny angle but it went in and our 4 cell 2 day old embryo was in! i spent the next 16 days off work and relaxing which i am sure is a key to the success of our ivf. on the morning of the 1st may - 4 days before our 2nd wedding anniversay and the morning of our wedding anniversay weekend away, I did the pregnancy test but couldnt look so sat under the covers of my bed. Adam went to look at at and just said 'its positive'! god i cried and my first words were 'i am really pregnant!' nearly 4 and a half years to the day we were finally pregnant and the joy was amazing. it made every tear and heartbreaking month worth it.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

13 weeks............

i am rubbish. i promised i would post weekly at least but its not happened!!!!

anyway, i am 13 weeks and 3 days which is so lovely to write,

i had a moment last week where i thought of how different i was as a person last year, and the person last year was bitter, jealous, heartbroken and i remember that i couldnt even find a tiny ounce of hope and everything was tinged in grey, i coul,dnt bear to see family as my sil was due to have a baby and all the family could focus on was that and it felt like my heart was pulled out of my chest everytime i saw them. so i didnt. simple and i started to resent them and then myself for feeling like that, i dont think i will ever forget the pain of being infertile, how i used to think i couldnt enjoy my life with my husband and that it just wasnt worth it if we didnt have children.i have great empathy for anyone who goes through it and i never forgert for one minute how incredibly lucky i am to have got this far and on the first time with only one embryo..... make me want to cry at how awful i felt last year, and all the years before, but now i can see my life actually moving to somewhere i have longed to be, and i love being on this journey finally...

talking of embryo... its now not an embryo, its a baby shaped fetus!!!!lol
also went to the diabetic antenatal clinic which lasted in total 3.5 hours, which was a big waste of time but they scan me so that was ok and worth it! have to keep an eye on my sugars before and after meals which is easier said than done but i have to try harder,
am starting home ivs on friday hope to have just meropenem as am allergic to lots of things but will see how it goes
have midwife on 16th july, and 20 week scan in 7 weeks on 20th august!!!