woe is me...

i am tired, i am miserable, i am lonely, husband working nights, no money, everyone seems to be pregnant around me, i dont want to go back to work on monday in the slightest..... i just want to get away from my thoughts for a while..... is that even possible? this whole malarky of babies is too much tonight, for once could i not be me and constantly think about pregnancy, babies, ivf, blah de blah. i would like to forget the whole thing just for a few days so i ccould gather myself back up and be me again... totally lost sight of who alison is anymore...... i just feel lost and alone,




never mind. a decent nights sleep will improve my spirits i hope...

oh yes

on 4th novenber i celebrated 25 years of life!

apologies and some good news...

firstly i apologise i havent updated as my lap top has been out of action after i broke the charger whilst in hospital!!! whoopsie! all sorted now and while my husband is in bed as he is on nights i will catch up! two weeks ago a letter came through the door, with a postage stamp from our local pct (patient care trust) and i knew this letter would hold great news or it could contain bad news... i opened it up and i was shaking so much i couldnt actually read the letter then i caught sight of ".. we have approved one cycle of IVF for you.." my god i couldnt believe that we were approved for one go, now i know one go isnt a lot and rightly we should get 3 goes, due to postcode lottery its one funded go in northamptonshire, but its one chance for us to do it without having to worry about financial complications, it may not even work but at least we can give it a go... i am very pleased.

also spend two weeks in my lovely hospital which was uneventful except for breakng the laptop, but other wise all ok, lung function as high as its been for a few years at 78% all good news.

xx

waiting for approval....

we have sent the forms off and now weare waiting. we are waiting to hear if we get approval to start ivf on the nhs... we found out we only will be able to have one fully funded cycle from the nhs.... i cant beleive it, i really cant, it seems that the finish line is getting further and further away and i cant see me finishing this goal.... anyway i am stuck in hospital now and have been here for 12 days, hoping to go home on day 14... heres hoping.... i have been ringing adam up every day to see if we have heard form the panel who will approve us but nothingyet... founsd a friend here whos is going through ivf with the cycstic fibrosis aspect but on the male side. and its nice to know i am not alone .... its just a struggle, espescially as my sister in law being so great with her new baby..... (sorry, my inner bitch cant help herself sometimes...)

one down one to go...

we have had the nessesary blood tests and swabs done etc in preparation for getting started with IVF, we only have one appointment left on weds to fill out all the nessesary paperwork, which then goes to panel, who meet 3 times a month to get nhs funding, then once we are approved we can start as soon as care can fit us in. god its been a hard journey, hence why i havent filled this in for a while.

i am still working, but in the next few weeks i am off to hospital for a top up and be ready to go with the drugs, i cant wait. my sister in law had her baby, a boy called stanley, he is lovely but it was horrid to come away from seeing them all as a perfect family, but i got through it, still here!

update more soon....

first step of our IVF journey

well we have had our first appointment since the hsg and we have finally got our long awaited answers, there is no chance to clear my tubes, as i have cf, i will always produce more mucus so it wont help solve the problem. Our consultant said that we were about to start a new journey, and i thought i was about to cry at this point, but i was ok! I have to have some swabs and bloods to check for chlamidia and rubella, and something else, and then we have to see the nurse for both of us to have HIV and Hepatitus tests, then one more appointment to go through our application for NHS funding, and once we get the go ahead from the panel, we are in the system and we can start when my cycle allows it! so within a few months we could be really starting it!

i had a wobble in the car on the way home, as i was so over whelmed, and i still hadnt let the thought of IVF really sink in, I have really struggled with comming to terms with the whole process, but this evening, i am really starting to get excited about it, its our biggest chance of starting our family that we are going to have, and i cant wait to start.

so in the meantime i am going to get my bmi to an acceptable level, which will take hard work but i am not letting that be a reason not to start right away, i am going to go into hospital hopefully in about september so i am in tip top condition, i am going to do the best i can,

steady feet dont let me down.....

Out of the dark..

i think i am finally coming back to normality...

i am still trying to come to terms with all the results and things but my dark moments are getting fewer and fewer and i am starting to realise that IVF isnt such BAD thing , if anything i am comming round to the idea that it could be very positive for us, i am also having moments where i am excited and want to start now!
we just now have to wait to see our consultant, whgich i have managed to get it brought foreward from the 6th august to the 2nd july which is only 3 weeks away.... hopefully we will find out where it takes place, about self funding, waiting lists and so on... who knows,

on the cf front, i came out of hospital two weeks ago, and true to form i have got another chest infection which is just soooo typical of me,,, oh well some more orals antibs i think for now.

i am still unemployed but i am activly looing and may have something coming up soon so keep you informed!!

.. not sure if anyone reads this , i know i do and my hubby does but i guess it is only a place to put down my inner workings....

:-)